A solitary bucket of my mind
This writing is, finally, what I would reveal my decision taken over months ago. I never tell this before because I need to be at some point to understand in order to give fairness for the whole story :)
When a friend of mine ask me about it several days ago, though I hope what I have told her wasn’t the reason for her taking the same decision, I think I have been there and importantly, steady enough to write down here.
Every people ever be in a situation which they do not have the answer for their wandering mind. So did I. Been in almost 2 years of togetherness take me to the point. Did we really fit each other, would he accept me for the way I am, or was he really worth and if he is, do I have enough capability to hold him, and also other question that suddenly came up without alert.
Looking back then, I had known for the first time that if I say “yes” we both need extra effort to adjust each other. We are raised with different circumtances, different value that grown up us with different point of view or habbits, often. But the connection, strong chemistry that I feel between us is other thing that keep me going. I would not say that he is my ideal man nor he is the kindest man I’ve ever met in my life. It just his strength, I feel, complement my weakness and his weakness complement mine. We understand each other even in silent. What could be better ? :D
Then we grow up, starting new life, different way to take and bla bla bla. I have known that logic will be his third name if it could be :p. At the same time, my emotional side couldn’t catch up with his logical thinking anymore. We both, I thaught at that time, need to think and take a decision about our relationship. About what we talked and asked each other will remain secret with all due respect to each other ;)
He with his indecisive side and me with thousand scenarios came to my mind. Finally tada, I put the trigger and we come up with our decision. Not a favorable one. Not with 100% of convinction. With my questions remained hanging on. It went on.
- It’s okay to listen to your heart, but take that leap of faith - New year’s eve.
Two months later was never easy for me. Thanks to my job who successfully occupied my mind :p. We have commitment to be friends each other while meeting him as a friend is different situation I should took over. Knowing that he could still hurt me, unintentionally for sure, when we met first time after that. But I know I wouldn’t avoid. I need to endure the pain in order to get stronger and steady. I did not need to understand why this was happened at that time, what I should do were to embrace the uncertainty, have faith and go on.
The last time we met, I guess, we both have passed all the phases. Having a nice conversation, sharing each other experience, what we want to achieve in the future, without being hurt anymore. And that’s what mean a lot to me, sincerity between us, as a friend.
That’s what I told to my friend. You will never ready to take a decision until you take it, will never know how capable you are to conquer your feelings until you pass it but someday you will understand how that decision has made you the way you are today. And yes I have remind her about something, that letting go of someone precious to us is never ever easy. Think twice before you decide it.
When my friend ask, do I regret , what I feel about him now. I just couldn’t answer. I think if we took different choice, maybe we could end up hurting each other more or in other way, we could still be together. About my feeling, you just can’t forget someone who spend lots of memories together with you, right? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I choose to enjoy another kind of happiness in my life and focus on pursuing my dreams. It is long way to come to the time when I should worry about it haha.
At last, a line I could draw for her is don’t worry, you will know what to do when the time comes. Count on your instinct, have faith. As you said before Shan, we might have our own path now, but who knows it would be crossing each other path again coming years later
? So cheer up and enjoy what this world could offer us at the moment! ;)
Two days off before starting another journey “read : reporting” tomorrow. You know, sometimes what you need is lay down in your bed while enjoying book, music and your self. Pure tranquility.